The Right Time to Release ‘Premka’– Why Now?
Many people have raised the question of why it took so long for me to finally come out with Premka. To begin with, it took a great many years to process my 16-year experience with Yogi Bhajan and all that unfolded in the years that followed. Many kinds of healings and therapies were employed. I also had a full life, giving birth at the age of 43, I worked from home while raising our son.
It wasn’t until 2008 that I was inspired to participate in a writing group on Maui. I had no clear intention to write a memoir, I was simply interested in developing my own writing skills. I wrote about crucial events in my life, and I wanted to tell those stories entertainingly, like reading a novel. I learned to use dialogue to give the reader insight into the characters.
My writing group became a valuable source of feedback, and of many new friendships. The other participants found my story fascinating and kept encouraging me to finish and to publish. The manuscript was put aside for years at a time. Some query or inspired addition would cause me to bring it back.
Once the story had finally come into its present form, I worried about the impact the release of Premka might have. I struggled with the moral question of whether it would create more harm than good. Many of my supporters were convinced it was important, needed to be shared, and would bring about much healing for many people.
In the months leading up to final publication, I found myself bound up in duality about these points of view. I needed to find some practice, some teachings to take me out of a very conflicted place in my own psyche over this dilemma. The writings of Pema Chodron, in a book titled No Time to Lose signaled to me from my bedside stand. This book is her exposition on the ancient teachings of Shantideva, on The Way of the Bodhisattva. I began to read it morning and evening and I immediately found it soothing. It was the exact teaching I needed. As I learned, the primary practice of the bodhisattva is to pray for and to envision the upliftment of all beings, the release of all beings from the bondage of ignorance. The bodhisattva's life is dedicated to this intention. In fact, the bodhisattva prays to be reincarnated repeatedly, for as many lifetimes as it takes, to work towards this goal.
I did such visualizations and prayers for months. The darkness and anxiety I had been feeling was relieved, and I came into alignment with my own spirit once again.
Then, in the weeks before publication, I was experiencing many sleepless nights. In the beginning of January, 2020, just prior to submitting the book into Amazon/Kindle, I was up in the middle of the night. I found myself bound up in that familiar duality. So I finally gave myself permission to let it go - to not publish it after all. No matter all the years of work, the expenses incurred - I was letting it go. I was then able to go back to sleep.
When I woke up a few hours later, I felt refreshed, I felt free and my head and heart were clear. In fact, I was surprised to sense that I was actually free to publish Premka. Then a light appeared – above, behind and to the right of my head. The light was about the size of a headlight. In the center of that light was an image of YB. Sensing into it, there were no words, but the energetic transmission was warm, was grateful. I found that surprising, a source of wonder. I then recognized that YB was trapped, very bound in what the Buddhists might call the 'hell realms'. I understood that he could not be free until his people were free: free of exalting him, worshiping him, calling on him in prayer, placing his image upon their altars
I have recognized, over recent years, that I had not been able to forgive Yogi Bhajan. For me, his betrayal was too vast. I still don't claim to have achieved this. But the experience I just described, cleared the field between us. It freed me to publish Premka without any further hesitation or conflicted emotions.
That same morning, I also clearly understood that Premka has a life of its own. I sensed she/it was choosing the timing of publication, and that this memoir had its own destiny. And so it is!
Meanwhile I continue my prayers for the upliftment of all beings. We all have to get there together. We are all ONE.